Him: Sorry, I was playing with the dog and it rang your number again [this outrage has happened before]. It's cos you're alphabetically the first name on the contact list. Would it be possible for you to change your name to avoid a repeat of this telephonic mishap in the future?
Me: I could, but I think we both know what the simpler alternative is. Buy it some real dog toys. Telephones are expensive electronic items and don't stand up to a dog's heavy handed use. Either that or have the dog put down.
Him: I've thought of an even simpler alternative. I've just entered a brand new contact on my list called AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. That should solve the problem. I wasn't sure what phone number to type in for this new contact though, so I just put in yours for the easiest. I hope that's OK.
Me: It may work, I'm still in favour of putting the dog to sleep. In fact I took the liberty of contacting Jaime [his wife] about this and she's in agreement. She's taking potty or whatever you call it to the vets tomorrow.
I have been swimming over the last couple of weeks. I have been going with Kate and Ali, mostly so they can be my seeing eyes. With my bad eyesight, swimming is a fucking minefield, what with not being able to wear my glasses I am as blind as the proverbial mole. I went with Kate and Ali to stand at the either end of the pool so they can hit me on the head with a stick as I approach and indicate when to turn around. The first time we went, I groped my way into the lanes and got in the slow lane. I figured being fat and old it was probably the best place for me. The pool is divided up into slow, medium and fast lanes. It turns out, I was actually a bit faster than I initially thought and was passing drowning octogenarians like it was nobodies business. I decided to myself that I would swap lanes and announced such to Ali. I slipped under the rope into what I thought was the medium lane. This is where my failing eyesight let me down. Olympic swimmers and half-fish men were passing me at an alarming speed. I was floundering and bobbing about in their wakes, panic set in. I had inadvertently gone into the fast lane. I managed to get myself out just before Duncan Goodhuw slammed into me at breakneck speed. Lesson learned.
A little help?
