213th post end of year Hogmanay Spectacular in 3D! (selected areas)

Hoots Ma Boab and Jings! Welcome to the 213th Post end of Year Hogmanay Spectacular Post! Why 213th?  Why end of year? You ask? 213th because I missed the 200th posting and end of year because it's 31st of December, you dumb fucking twat. Do try to keep up. Anyway, I thought I'd take this chance to have a look at my readership, similar to as I did on the 100th posting. That means this is all about you, yes you! and you as well. That one at the back. OK, I asked a favour of you last time and I'll ask the same favour. When you've read this post please leave a comment. It only takes a second and I know I've installed anti spamming measures, but you know, I write this for free, for you. Go on, don't be a cunt.

Do as the monkey says...

So lets take a walk down Google Analytic lane and see how many folks have strolled this same way over the past year and a bit:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! Over 20,000 visits!! Who are you people? Where are you coming from? What the fuck is going on here!! OK, OK that's not the whole story, the actual visitor number is a bit lower, but it's still over 16,000 people:

The mind boggles with what people hope to find here. I only started writing this so Craig could read what I was up to in Iceland, what could people possibly want with this blog? Buts lets take a look at where they are coming from:

Good God! People from 144 countries have landed on my blog! About the only place people haven't come here from is China, mind you, my writings are probably banned along with everything else in the Internet universe by the Great Firewall of China. I've even had a reader in the Congo who decided to read at least two pages of this shit! Even someone in Greenland has read a portion of this blog. I didn't even know they had electricity in Greenland! Disappointingly North Korea hasn't sent anyone over to have a look. It's a bit of a shame that really, I've been reading a lot of books recently about North Korea and I would have thought they'd have repaid the compliment.

Go on Kim, you know you want to...

Well, let's turn our attention to how people are finding their way to these pages. As usual the search engine phrases that are used to get here show the best and worst of the people using the internetz... Well, some of it makes for depressing reading. Why someone is searching for the operating times of the Boston abattoir I will never know. Maybe it was their first day on the job and wanted to get to the pig sticking plant nice and early so as not to piss off their boss? Other interesting searches to note here are 'abattoir poker' and 'abbatoire [sic] avatar':

Woah. American Masturbators Society? I can't even find the words:

Who in their right mind is searching for Bin Hookers in Belfast? Are they searching for Nazi boots, or claiming that Boots the Chemist are Nazis? And what has that cunt Bono got to do with air raid shelters in Italy? My mind is literally blowing...

I seriously doubt someone was looking for a holiday cottage in Rotherham or Singapore. I just hope they don't go about their business dressed in a costume of Germany...

You think you've seen it all, but it just keeps coming. Like a torrent of madness. What kind of world do we live in when someone calls their son Somme? Hang on, what kind of world do we live in when people search for pictures of dog slaves eating shit? No wonder they're dole scum...

Hooray! I'm not the only one! Maybe we should start up some kind of Sweetcorn survivors group!

I can't Imagine there being any sex in Litchfield, never mind tantrid [sic] sex:

Pot Noodles on planes? Pot Noodle bnp? What flavour is that? Anti-immigrant?

What is it with the Internetz and Nazis:

And I couldn't leave this search engine search without a good bit of old fashioned abuse of your truly:

I think we've all seen enough? I certainly have. You lot scare the bejesus out of me. OK, today is New Years Eve, for most of you tonight is the night you all go out and stand six deep at a bar waiting for three hours to get served, just so the drinks can get sloshed over you as you make your way back through the crowded room to the corner you've managed to secure for yourself until the bells chime out twelve o'clock. Have a good one what ever you do, BUT DON'T FORGET TO LEAVE A COMMENT! See you in 2011 for more shit!

1st Birthday 100th Posting Special in HD (Selected Areas Only)

Good Evening and welcome to this the 100th edition of this blog. Not only do we have that milestone, but it is exactly a year since I started writing this rubbish. So because it is worthy of a double celebration what I'd thought I'd do was, rather than spewing shit out about what I've been up to since the last posting (mainly shouting at Tim, if you were wondering...), I'm going to take stock of the last years postings and have a look at you. Yes you. The reader. You over there. Stand up, come on, let's have a look at you. You can wipe that smile off your face as well.

Stand up and be counted my adoring readers!

I've asked this before and I'm going to ask it again. I would like it, if you get the end of this post, that you could leave me a comment. You can leave it anonymously if you like, but I'd rather know the names of my readers. I have stalker software installed on this blog anyway so I know how many people are visiting it. Do me a favour. I write this for free and you read it, so do something for me. Thanks.

This blog started with Craig asking me to write about my time in Iceland and since it's start up to today I have had 2,114 unique visitors. Now, far be it for me to say that each one has returned to read more, but I'm sure some of those people have. The other none-returners have probably seen the subject matter is mainly archaeology and fled in terror. Like any right-minded person would... Be that as it may, lets have a look at the kind of people who are coming across this blog. A large portion of you are coming through Facebook; actually 38.88% are using the social networking site to get here, so that means that you know me personally. I only add people on Facebook whom I have met face to face, except for a couple of exceptions, so you know me and I know you. Actually this isn't a surprise as I update my status on Facebook with the new postings. It's the only thing that Facebook is useful for. I am actually only on Facebook because of a woman I knew, who has now deleted me as a 'friend', invited me to join it and now, like a mobile phone, it's impossible to get rid of (Facebook, not the woman...). Enough of my personal life, let's get to analyzing the people who are literally queuing up to get into this blog...

'So what's all the fuss about this here blog then?'
'Well I heard it was a witty look at the world of archaeology'
'Really? Archaeology? What the fuck have I been doing wasting my time waiting here for? I'm off to read something far more funny like Metal Inquisition!'

The more 'interesting' people are dropping in from Search Engines. Obviously the largest amounts of hits I am getting are coming through the keyword search ' In Girum Imus Nocte et Consumimur Igni'. Again, pretty obvious, as are the keyword searches 'alex sotheran', ' alexsotheran iceland', 'alex sotheran york' and 'alex sotheran blogspot' (all of which are in the top ten of the most searched for phrase). But these searches are far more 'me' specific and whoever is doing it knows who they are and what (or who) they are after. Now, I'm not trying to say you're stalking me or anything, but I'm on to you...

Is this you? Are you stalking me?

These stalker weirdos are not the only ones dropping on this blog, there are some decidedly odd people searching the Internet. I mean, really, who types 'i want to teach zulu kids something about metals you idiots' into a search engine and expects to get a decent result? It's really there, in at number 94:

alexsotheran.blogspot.com: Proudly helping teach Zulu kids about Metals since 2008

Even stranger, my records read that somebody did a search for 'indin big ticky' and found my blog. Whatever an indin big ticky is, they were obviously unsatisfied with the results they went back and further refined their search to 'indin big ticky womens sex'. Mind you, this yielded the same results and they were equally unimpressed as they didn't stay long according to the time of visit result.

I want indin big ticky and I want it now!

Even further out on the edge of human society are the people that found my blog with the following searches: 'clowns fucking', 'women fucking clowns', 'grandfather shagging' and far more specific and ominous, 'russian father fucking son'. I don't remember that particular patriarchal incestuous pederast posting that I wrote, but I hope they enjoyed it.

What someone was searching for, but not what they got...

OK, lets turn our attention to where you folks are all coming from. This truly is a global affair and the stalker software tells me that people in 69 separate countries have visited my blog:

The level of green shows how bored by my blog people are...

Given that there are considered to be 195 countries in the world at the moment, I have been visited by someone in 35% of the world. The UK is obviously the top one here, closely followed by the USA and Iceland. In Ireland, Canada and Italy I also seem to have a following. There is a lot of hits from Germany, but that is because it is currently the lair of Herr Docktor Clay, my Nemesis. None of these are surprising as I know someone living in each of the afore mentioned countries, but places like Hong Kong, the Philippines, Ecuador, the Faeroe Islands, Japan, Venezuela, Macau SAR China and a whole rake of other places leave me stumped to who is actually reading this. Do I know you, or am I being monitored by Venezuelan Death Squads in case I say something untoward about Chavez? If it's you, please let me know by leaving a comment below. Something I find difficult to picture is a group of peasants sitting on an collectivised farm in Novosibirsk the middle of Russia reading my blog, but according to my records it appears to have happened, at least once...

Sergei! come quick! There's a new post about how Tim has fucked up another register! ЛОЛ!

I don't think there's much more I can say about my blog visitors (except you must be crazy to keep coming back to read this shit...) so I've come to the end of my navel gazing (thank God, I hear you collectively sigh...), thanks for getting this far. For once this post was about you and not me so I will again ask you to leave a comment, anything, even if just to slag what you just read. Let me know you are here and reading...

Vanadis

I've been wondering why no one is commenting on this blog anymore. I know you're reading it, I've got stalker software installed on it so I can see exactly who (almost) is coming on and reading it. Please leave comments. It only takes an minute. You can even tell me this is a pile of shit and I should stop. Whatever.

This has been the first week back after Christ's Mass, James went back home on Tuesday after a meal at the East India Company restaurant which was fantastic. I promised myself a return journey to this place at some point. I like Indian food, very much and this was good stuff.

The rest of the week was dominated by work, as boring as this is. Trowelling off piles of dumping layers is not the most stimulating work I have ever done and I am dreaming of the days I can buy a fuck load of military books off Colin and start selling them. Mind you I made myself a little more comfortable on Wednesday by setting up a painting table and prepping some WW1 British Infantry. I may as well fill my evenings with something more rewarding than watching America's Next Top Model.

I bought Series 8 of Seinfeld yesterday, I bought it from the music shop up Laugarvegur, instead of Elko as I was advised by Margret and Lilja. Infact all week they have been on at me to buy all my products at Elko.

'I need new Headphones' I idly mused

'You'll get them at Elko' Cried Lilja and Marget

After I'd bought (from the same shop as the Seinfeld DVDs) them they asked how much they were and was told they would have been cheaper at Elko. I then went on to mention I was thinking of buying the last two series of Seinfeld that I didn't own. Where do you think I was advised to buy them? That's right... Elko. It's like they have second jobs working on the sales committee at Elko. I'm surprised they don't have Elko tattoos.

In other news, my so-called 'friends' have been writing a blog together (they are so dumb they couldn't do it on their own...). Yesterday the latest piece of shit was published and lo and behold who is in it as a minor character. Yes that's right, it's me. Here is the address if you wish to read this shit, but I wouldn't bother. You'd only be wasting your valuable time.