A Torrent of Shit

More texts from He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named. It was his birthday:

Me: Happy Birthday, you shit

Him: I can do anything i want today, i think i might fucking stab someone in the gut.

Me: Well, it's your special day princess.

Him: That's what I'll tell the coppers, i'm a princess and it's my special day so they can fuck off.

Me: You tell 'em girlfriend!

Him: The copper was being a dick so i stabbed him too. Then more cops came. Now i'm hiding in the fun factory at the harvester restaurant where i was having my birthday party before the police spoiled it.

Me: OK. It's a pretty tricky situation you've got yourself into. At least you're in a place with food so you should be able to hold out for a while.

Him: I've taken a bunch of toddlers hostage, should i start cutting them now to show i'm serious, or should i wait for a bit, or maybe just cut one to start with

Him: The little shits won't stop screaming and crying, i can hardly think with all this fucking noise

Me: Give them some chips that will keep them quiet

Him: Awesome idea thanks, that worked really well. One of them would not shut up so i cut her and put her outside, problem solved! We make a great team.

Me: I'm just giving you advice. We are not a team. In fact i was the one who called the police in the first place.

Him: Bullshit, you're not getting out that easily. You said it was my special day. You said i was a princess. You as good as stabbed that girl yourself.

 Not the only ridiculous text messages I received this week, however, were from He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named, I got the following off of Berny:

Thinkin about doin a riot in york, u in? I know a big furniture shop where i hav a hire purchase account with, could start there, yeah? Then always wanted a blackberry, there is a nice hat shop i like, after wine store then finish off with sex shop. Sound good?