Him: Dear alex, i should be getting to york about ten past one. Shall i come to yours for lunch, or do you want to meet in town? Lots of love, ****
Me: Dear ****, I'm sorry to tell you I'm in Basingstoke today. So your journey is wasted. I hope you die. Lots of love Alex.
Me: Actually, i didn't check cinema times, did you?
Him: Yes, there's a show at 4pm. So you're not in Basingstoke? Was that some kind of fucking joke? Did you think you were funny, clown boy? Did you?
Me: I don't even know where Basingstoke is. Do you want to come here, but buy some tickets on the way over? We can have lunch here. What do you want?
Him: I'll eat whatever you put in my face, you know that. I'll get tickets on the way over. Basingstoke is in Hampshire.
Me: OK, I might get us a pizza! I don't know where Hampshire is. Or give a fuck for that matter.
Him: Hampshire is somewhere south of sheffield, that's all you need to know. I fucking hate pizza, and if you get pizza i'll throw it in your FUCKING FACE.
Me: Then I'm certainly not interested. What flavour do you want on your pizza. I know you love pizza.
Him: I don't mind. Get avocado ice cream flavour if you can. Or margherita.
Me: Pepperoni? Only gays eat gay flavour pizza.
Him: Yeah that's fine. Thanks petal.
Two hours later
Him: I'm at D***** station, i just bought my ticket to york, now i'm sitting on a bench waiting for my train to arrive.
Me: So?
Him: I just thought you might like to know that everything is going to plan so far.
Me: Fuck you and fuck your plan.
Five minutes later:
Me: In light of that, I'm changing dinner plans. We're having Mexican wraps instead.
Him: You can't fuck with the plans like that, it was all arranged. Now you've fucked everything up. And you probably expect me to pick up the pieces, as usual.
Me: Yeah.
Him: I just got on my train. At least i'm following the plan. Let's see if we can salvage something from this shipwreck of a sunday.
Me: Make sure you get good fucking seats at the cinema or I will set the dogs on you.
Him: Where would you like to sit?
Me: In the middle, you know where.
Fifteen minutes later
Me: And can you get some milk, please, I love you.
Him: For fuck's sake.
Me: I love you.
Him: Fuck off. You're only saying that so i'll get you some milk.
Me: No, I do.
Him: Right i've got the tickets. I'll pick up some milk. anything else i can get you? The golden fleece perhaps? The holy grail?
Me: Actually, I've decided i don't want to go to the cinema after all. I'm gonna stay in and paint some tanks. So don't bother coming over.
Him: Okay. I guess i'll see you around at some point.
Me: Don't count on it. Actually, will you put the milk on my doorstep? ring the bell so i know it's you, but fuck off immediately.
Him: If you let me in i can put the milk in the fridge for you. I wouldn't want you to over exert yourself by going all the way to the front door to pick it up.
Me: But I'd still have to get up to let you in. And I'd see you. No dice.
Him: I've left milk on window sill, i'm going back to d*****
I looked up and there was a pint of milk on the window sill.
