T.I.A. Baby!!

This is the first part of the Africa blog. As it went over three weeks long, rather than doing one massive entry which you would get bored half way through, I have decided to try to split it into a few parts. As we went to a different area pretty much each week it would be sensible to write about each of these areas in turn. I don't know why I'm telling you this, as it makes no difference what you think, cos I'm going to do it anyway. So sit back and enjoy... This Is Africa Baby!!

Part One: Arrival and Kruger Park

I touched base on the 22nd of June and was met almost immediately by Craig and Vivian at the airport. Back at Vivian and Derek's place (a house, which working as an archaeologist, I would never be able to afford...) I met Fiona (Craig's sister) and Mark (Craig's brother in law), both of whom would become a pretty permanent fixture through the next two weeks. As I had not slept the preceding day I crashed out pretty quickly ready for the following day's drive over to Barberton.

I think we took a wrong turn...

The drive was pretty nice, the only problem was nearly being raped near Long Tom Pass. When I say nearly raped, I mean a truck load of Africans turned up, which spooked Fiona and we left pretty sharpish.

The Best thing about Long Tom Pass is this MASSIVE FUCKING GUN!

We met up with Lynne (Craig and Fiona's ma) and Joyce (Craig and Fiona's Granny) at Barberton and had a civilized tea with them, while about a million cats crawled all over us. The overall plan was to head out to Kruger National Park and spend the week there in the park's accommodation, so everyone had an early night.

Kruger Park is amazing, all the literature (and everyone we met) tells you that it is the size of Wales. I was told this so often that I began to wonder if Wales had become a new unit of measurement; 'Ah yes, it's half the size of Wales'; 'Can I get some apples please? About 1/678395ths of Wales will do, please.' But differently to Wales the only thing that lives there are wild animals, except for at the accommodation and the staff villages. This, I thought, would be a good thing to do with Wales as well. Fence it off and get rid of the Welsh and you'd have a nice little nature park for the rest of Britain to enjoy. The entire park is fenced off or is bordered by rivers and it also reaches into Mozambique and Zimbabwe. There are some issues about poaching and the general treatment of animals, especially in Zimbabwe. But given Zimbabwe's history of treatment of humans, reversal of this problem is probably not high on their list of priorities. You have to stay in your car at all times in the park and are not even allowed to open your windows (in theory). We stayed over in Satara camp for most of the time, in quasi-African huts, the camp gates are all closed strictly at 5.30 each night and not opened again until 6.30 the next morning (unless you go on a park arranged early morning ride, see below).

Pass the bongos

These two facts made me start doubting the park and it's size. I wondered if the park was really the size of Wales and but actually only stretched about 20-30 meters either side of the road where large back drop paintings of the horizon and sky had been placed. In reality are all the animals locked up each night only to be released every morning before the tourists are allowed out? The fact that you can't get out of the car or leave the camps at night to test this theory must prove it is right. Well, this kind of thinking works for Conspiracy Theorists...

Is it really the size of Wales? Or are there greater forces at work here?

although the park is pretty much cut off from the rest of the world, we still managed to hear about Michael Jackson's death (later on during my time in Africa, Craig and I watched some of his overblown tribute in LA until we got bored after about ten minutes. I just hope Gary Glitter gets the same treatment when he dies, after all he is pretty similar to Jackson, a penniless, bankrupt, kiddy fiddler who hasn't released a studio album for over ten years...). In fact I will know exactly where I was when I heard he had died should someone ask: I was watching a Leopard's arse disappear into some tall grass. Actually we had been tracking it (the Leopard, not Michael Jackson) for about twenty minutes with a load of Rock Spiders who appeared to be hanging their kids out of the window as bait (After we heard of MJ's death, Craig and I took to winding down the windows every time we passed a parked car and rather than asking what animal they had seen (as is the custom) we told the occupants that Michael Jackson was dead and drove on). The Leopard was the last of the so-called 'Big Five' of Kruger park that I saw. The others animals in the 'Big Five' are the Rhinoceros, Buffalo, Elephant and the Lion. We were very fortunate to see all five, as it has been known for some people to go into the park for weeks and not even see an single Impala (called the MacDonald's of Kruger as they are so plentiful and ubiquitous). Rather than describe every sighting we had I have put a list at the end of this piece of all the animals we did see whilst in the park.

Giraffes, not one of the 'Big Five', but just big...

One morning, Craig, Fiona, Mark and I decided on doing a Morning Drive as organised by the park. We set off before light and the vehicle had spotlights, operated by the passengers (more on this later).

The intrepid travellers, treading new ground...

One of the first things we saw were three buffaloes, which our driver, Edward, told us were old Buffaloes, separated from the rest of the herd as they were unable to keep up due to their age. We turned 180 degrees and on the other side of the road was the rest of the herd. I would have suggested that they were separated by the road, rather than old age... Edward also told us that three Elephants we saw were male, then changed his mind and said they were all females. At one point Edward also got out of the truck where a pride of lions had been enjoying a light snack of some other animals the night before. We were thinking we would have to draw lots as to who drove the truck back had the lions still been around... Mind you, he did inform us how to tell the difference between male and female Zebras: Males are Black and White, Female are White and Black.

Edward and Me, the most uninformed tour guide of Kruger Park

What was fascinating during this ride was the sighting of the Lesser Spotted Tourist. It was sitting directly in front of me and although I couldn't discern its gender, it made for fascinating viewing. She/he was in charge of one of the spotlights on our side of the truck and, boy, did they NOT know how to use it. Rather than shining the light into the bushes, he/she was shining the beam all over the tops of trees, at the road and towards the stars. It was a wonder we saw anything at all. I managed to get several photos of him/her and I present them below, this was a once in a lifetime experience, so please enjoy the photos:

He/she in it's natural habitat

He/she in camouflage

A good study of the Lesser Spotted Tourist

He/she spots something and begins to stalk...

Back in his/her lair the Lesser Spotted Tourist is most happy

Here is a list of the animals I saw in Kruger, some of them have my pictures along with them. Just because there isn't a picture of the animal, doesn't mean that I didn't see it, so I don't care if you believe this list or not. It's all true and I have the official Kruger Park Tick List to prove it. Click on the name to read more about each animal, I'm not Johnny Morris and know nothing about wildlife, so you can do your own research:

Banded Mongoose

Black-backed Jackal

Blue Wildebeest

Buffalo


Chacma Baboon


Cheetah


Common Duiker

Common Reedbuck

Crocodile

Dwarf Mongoose

Elephant


Giraffe


Hippopotamus


Impala

Kudu

Leopard

Leopard Tortoise

Lion


Plains Zebra


Rock Monitor

Serrated Hinged Terrapin

Spotted Hyena


Steenbok

Tree Squirrel

Vervet Monkey

Warthog

Waterbuck

White Rhinoceros

We saw several species of birds as well, but I'm not going to list these as I'm not a twitcher. The rarest animal we saw was the Tsessebe (try saying that when you're sober...), of which there are only two hundred in the park:

Tsessebe, as rare as hen's teeth or rocking horse shit

OK, that's it for part one. I'm off to Italy for ten days on Sunday, so I will try to write another chapter of this by then, or else you will have to wait for a while to see what happened to me in the Drakonsburg!

ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

We were at Isandlwana and were attacked by 15,000 Zulu WArriors. Craig got Assagaied in the face but I managed to escape to Rorke's Drift. It looks like loads of Zulus are coming around the hill, I hope nothing bad will happen...

PLEASE SEND HELP!!!!!

Come in number six, your time is up...

Since getting back to South Yorkshire I've been working at Castleton in Derbyshire on Sheffield University's dig there.It's been quite a change from the York University dig. On the one hand there is only ten students as appose to ninety. also there are only four trenches on the site. Curiously (or not, if you know Colin and his methods), the trenches were not numbered sequentially but rather in the order the foliage was removed from them so instead of going east to west as 1,2,3 & 4, the trenches went 1,3,2 & 4. At least working with Colin keeps you on your toes. Anyhoo, Tim was there, he'd been running around for the previous days like a blue arsed fly trying to keep the trenches in running order whilst Colin railed against either the Labour Party or Sheffield University. I showed up and put everything right. Actually I didn't, I showed up and made bad jokes and flirted with the girls. My usual way of dealing with site work. I went down to the Deli in Hope Village and was served by a rather surly woman, who made the most fantastic food. My Lemon Pepper Chicken sandwich really freaked young Ryan out. 'What's wrong with just ham on a sandwich?' he asked. 'The lack of any flavour' said I.

Ryan's food Heaven, my food Hell...

I awoke this morning to the sounds of my parents moving about. 'Christ,' I thought 'They're up early.' I then realised I'd not set my alarm and I was late for work. I called Tim and he berated me about not getting up. As I was going through Sheffield Tim called me back and told me the trenches were already flooded and it was siling it down so I would be better off back in bed. I turned the car around. I met Mark in Rotherham just this afternoon. I had gone in to buy a couple of things and try to sort out the phone that Dave had given me ages ago. It needs unlocking so I can use my Sim card in it. It also needs a charger so I can put some battery power into it. I found out I also need to find out what operating system it uses so I can get it unlocked. So it looks like it's not getting unlocked and is worse than useless. I also tried to pay £38 into the bank in small change. But, although it is Saturday and the only day most people can get to the banks, the tills were all shut and the two girls, who's only job it seemed to be was making sure nobody broke or robbed the cash machines, told me it would be impossible to pay my money in. I was thinking while I was discussing it with them 'why can't you do it for me?' The only thing that didn't make it a wasted trip was a long discussion with Mark over a J2O about comics, vampires and Quentin Tarantino.

A real Vampire, not one of those Cyber-Goth-Sunglasses-wearing-Psuedo-Vampires that seem to be everywhere these days...

Neptune Towers

Craig made a swift exit on Sunday evening, I dropped him over to Leeds for the next floor he is destined to sleep on for a while. I on the other hand, filled my remaining time in York with a meeting with my group about their presentations, which basically turned into a trip to the pub after a few jokes at my expense. I had to look after John's bunch as well (Team Lady), he engineered it so that, rather than face them again, he took off to a hermitage in Germany for three months. That man has no back bone. They are only girls, John, they don't bite. The discussion with Team Lady seemed to centre around one of the girl's friends who was having a crisis in her relationship; namely which of two fellas she liked the most, and me telling them all about the remains we found at the Barbican centre over a year ago. After this padding out of general knowledge to make it look like I wasn't taking the piss and getting paid for a full days work after only having done an hour and a half, I was chatting to Cath. She was saying that Matt hadn't done nearly half as much recording as he had said he had and she would have to go back on site over the next couple of evenings and finish off. In a moment of absolute insanity I said 'Would you like me to do it? I'm finished here and have nothing else to do.' So that's how I found myself alone back on the site drawing three sections and three plans and one large profile of a V Shaped Roman enclosure ditch. Mind you, what would have taken Cath three days to complete I finished in two hours. A minor achievement on my part.

I went to see Star Trek yesterday with Aleisha and Emlyn, here's the review: Meh.

Star Trek: it's not Star Wars

On Sunday morning I awoke to find Cleo the cat screeching like a banshee at me. She seemed to be hungry so I opened a fresh food sachet for her and fed her. As I put the remaining half of the bag in the fridge, I noticed another already opened. In a discussion later with Craig it seems he had opened this and fed Cleo half of it an hour before I awoke. The little shit, she must have been rubbing her paws together thinking 'ha, check out these two tards, if I pretend to be hungry they'll keep feeding me.' I told Craig we should feed her til she bursts to teach her a lesson. When Craig left, Cleo realised that I was the only gateway she had to food. Her lack of opposable thumbs was making it difficult for her to use the tin opener. She set about building bridges with me. I have not been her greatest fan since the other day when she took a chunk out of my cheek for stroking her. She tried everything she could to get food out of me over the next two days. Sitting on my lap, climbing on the chair beside me, pawing at my arm. To which she got the reply 'fuck off and hunt a mouse or something. You're a cat, do what cats do.'

Cleo, trying to work out what cats do.

Iconoclasm Sweeps Cappadocia

John left on Thursday, thank God. at least the beatings have stopped and I have regained feeling down the right side of my body. I no longer have the nightmares and neither do I have to check behind every door when I enter a room. As a replacement for John, Craig moved in. He had to move out of Marcus' place as Marcus' missus was coming back from a year long stint teaching Polish/Swedish/English/whatever in China and they had a lot of catching up to do. It probably involves that rope contraption Marcus has set up in his front room, 'for her yoga', or so he tried to explain it away to me. Whatever they were planning on doing, Craig was no longer welcome to sleep on the futon in Marcus' front room and he was cast out on the streets again. But as soon as Craig moved in we had a sexy party, full of topless teens and spiked punch. Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez.

Clay's gone!! Everybody say PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

On Friday Claire and I finished off the site, along with the help from a First Year student, Richard. The three of us tore the site a new asshole along with some help of a serving of grease from the Osbaldwick chipshop. The Osbaldwick chippy is the best in York by far, I used to live around the corner and it was a regular haunt of mine after getting in from packing computer games all day at Gamestation on a Friday night. It still keeps its reputation high but gone are the photographs of various celebrities that bought their fish and chips there. Among the illustrious stars that have had a portion of 'haddock, chips and scraps, open' are Sir Michael Caine, Dame Joanna Lumley, Dame Cilla Black, and not only Ant, but Dec too. Hot on the heels of such stellar customers, Osbaldwick fisheries was also visited by the living legend that is Bob Carolgees, though whether Spit the Dog was in attendance I never found out. Mind you, having a dog that spits everywhere would not be the most hygienic visitor to a chip shop and if the authorities found out the Osbaldwick fisheries would have been closed down in an instant. What these celebrities were doing buying chips in such a far flung place as Osbaldwick I never found out. It's not beyond reasonable doubt that these stars would visit York, or even buy chips at some point during their stay. But for them to venture out the land of 'here be Dragons...' that is Osbaldwick for a portion of heart attack in batter still baffles me.

Although it is unknown whether Amy Whinehouse visited the Osbaldwick Chippy, she would always be welcome. As long as she didn't bring her drugs.

Goodbye Area 2

The students finished on Tuesday, after a day of hard work, we finally got to point where the area was pretty much finished, except for a few things I had to finish today. My team bought me present of three bottles of beer and made a card with a Pop-Up-Cock with my face on the head of the penis. Awwww, bless 'em, it really touched me. They've all worked hard and I'd like to thank them all, Rob the Workhorse, Kate the Flirt, Merel the German, Lauren the Mexican, Lawrence the Gobshite, Liz the Sunburnt, Richard the sick boy, Alicia the Disney cartoon, Adam the part timer and Bryn the Archaeological expert and I will miss them. Mind you, I will see them again before I leave York, so it ain't too bad. One final thing to add, I never really shaved my pubes to make my cock look bigger, that was just a joke.

Short and sweet, so suck it up.

Fucking Clowns

Katie began juggling mud balls on site today. Juggling is something that irks me to a fever pitch. I hate it, it is the single most inane activity that humanity has to offer. I hate the people that juggle, with their stupid 'alternative' lifestyles and their stupid Jester hats. They all drive their 2CVs to the latest 'free vegan love-in festival' in their stupid tie-dyed clothes and dungarees. With their stupid overlong beards (men) and unshaven armpits (women). All being terribly individual but looking and acting the same. It's like juggling is a sign of counter-cultural activity and to be alternative you have to learn to throw three balls up in the air without dropping them. Because that's all juggling is. The ability to not drop something. It's like people that ride unicycles, they fall into the same category. I saw some cunt outside a pub one time having to be helped onto his unicycle by his mates. It made me think: What kind of vehicle is that you have to be helped onto in order to use it? What if you were stuck somewhere where there was no one around? You'd have to walk and carry your stupid fucking unicycle with you, wouldn't you? GET A FUCKING BIKE, stop trying to show off to everyone around you that you're 'CRAZY' because you can balance on a wheel. Do you know what I'd do to jugglers and unicyclists if I was in power? I'd treat them like Vlad Dracul treated the insolent Turkish emissaries and NAIL THEIR FUCKING HATS TO THEIR HEADS!!!!

Vlad, he'd have no truck with jugglers...

I didn't have any nails to hand on site today so in spite of this I got the hose and liberally sprayed Katie with it to stop her juggling and make her work. It certainly worked a treat. It also worked on Lawrence when he was trying to flirt with Merel. It was like a cat with a spray bottle. I tell you there are far too many raging hormones on that site.

In other news, go and see Drag Me To Hell, not only has it got the beautiful Alison Lohman in it, but it is a return to form for Sam Raimi. Never mind Spiderman, this was a great horror comedy in the style of Evil Dead I & II and Army of Darkness. In fact it was so much like them I was half expecting the Lamia to start chanting 'Dead By Dawn! Dead By Dawn!!' or Bruce Campbell to apear in a cameo. Mind you, since all his superhero money old Sam seems to have forgotten poor Brucey...

Ash, he'd have no truck with the Lamia...