My Friend Lilja

I was chatting to Lilja the other day and she said this weblog was boring because it didn't have enough about her in it, so her is a posting all about my friend Lilja. Lilja, or Lil-J as she likes to be known on the streets, was born and raised in East Harlem, into a family of sixteen she was the second oldest and spent most of her pre-teens raising the rest of the family. At eleven she was initiated into the local gang, KSR (Kriminals Seeking Respect), she still has the teardrop tattoos on her face now. At age twelve she took her first life in a drive-by shooting on a Taco Bell. There was no other rival gang members in the place, they did it 'for shits and giggles.' After a 5 year stretch in the Pennsylvania State Correctional Facility she was released once again back onto the streets. After a two year descent into crack addiction, fueled by pimping out her younger siblings, Lil-J gained a place at Harvard University by forging a neighbours application. The three years of violence and corruption that marked her 'studies' left Harvard in a state of shock. Threatening the Dean with a 9mm pistol gained her a first in African-American studies. Her threatening behaviour knew no bounds and she dragged her on-off boyfriend, Andre (AKA Prof. Dre), over to Iceland. A land untouched by drugs and corruption would be an easy target for the power obsessed Lil-J. She flooded the schools of Reykjavik with cheap Crack and Heroin, the Chinaman's Nightcap. In order to keep Police interest away from her she took a job as an Archaeologist on a Government funded excavation. This is were I first met her last September. On introducing herself to me, she held a pistol to my head and pulled the trigger. The gun was empty and she stood there laughing over me as I lay in the foetal position. She casts a shadow of fear and oppression over the rest of the work force. In one instance, she forced Atli to shove three billiard balls into his mouth, then punched him so hard in the face that his front teeth shattered. Lil-J is short in stature and she makes Bjarki, the tallest man on site, carry her around all day on his shoulders to make sure she towers above everyone else. This humiliation is complete by Bjarki being forced to wear a saddle. Once whilst playing 'Shit Head' during lunch, Jo beat Lil-J at the card game. Lil-J became so incensed that she bent Jo's thumbs back so far they snapped. She stabbed little Vala for looking at her 'wrongly'. Margret was kicked repeatedly in the stomach after she failed to laugh at one of Lil-J's jokes. Roz innocently asked Lil-J to pass her a pen to which Lil-J reacted by pulling down a shelving unit full of hammers on her head. These are just a few of the horrors to which I have been witness whilst in the company of Lil-J, the tyrant of Icelandic Archaeology.

Lilja, on a six day Crystal Meth binge come-down

In other news, here are the film reviews, I watched Marylin Monroe in 'The Misfits' on DVD, the film after which one of my favourite bands are named. It's excellent, a great portrayal of human wreckage floating down the swollen river of life. Speaking of which, Monroe certainly looks swollen as she neared the end of her life, completely sozzled on pills and booze. Who killed Marylin? Was it the Kennedys? LAPD? Make it look like suicide, make it look like suicide.

The Misfits, the band, not the film...

If you want to see a film worse than Star Wars Episodes One through to Three then I thoroughly recommend Fan Boys. Sounds great on paper, four Star Wars fans drive across country to break into Skywalker Ranch to steal the pre-release version of 'Episode One, the Phantom Malaise'. I would have released a better film had I taken a shit on a piece of paper and set fire to it as the script. The film is so cheap and lame-ass that the producers didn't even secure the rights to the original score. Even the British TV show 'Spaced' managed to get a few bars of William's iconic tunes. I was really disappointed and so was Atli, because we forewent 'Play Date' to sit through nearly two hours of torture. The best thing in it was the Guards from THX1138. If that means nothing to you, then you are not bound by the Jedi creed and are no friend of mine.

What Jar Jar Binks thinks of Fan Boys, which says a lot...

Finally Milk, film of the year. I have been trying to work out which was better, Valkyrie or Milk and I think it's Milk. I like Valkyrie because of the content, but Milk is just a way better movie. The story is based on the San Fransisco Gay Rights Activist Harvey Milk. Having been a Dead Kennedys fan for more years than I can remember, this film filled in a few gaps in my knowledge. The Kennedys' reworking of The Clash's I Fought the Law and I Won, is directly about Milk and Dan White, his eventual assassin. The cover of the Dead Kennedys first Album 'Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables' has a picture of burning cop cars that were ignited during the 'White Riot'. These occurred following the judge's decision of giving White manslaughter charges rather than murder. There is even in the film the appearance of Anita Bryant, the Right-Wing Christian Zealot who opposed Gay Rights. She makes an appearance in the Dead Kenendys song 'Moral Majority' in the lines 'Ram it up your cunt Anita'. I never knew who that was referencing until I saw Milk. Go see the film, it's brilliant.

Listen to the Dead Kennedys!!