Pledge Manners wasn't the only character, he was helped by another wood detective (there were only two in the Wood Division, and they were fighting a losing battle against being closed down due to cut backs in the Police Force as a whole), named Tarquin Sheen. Again, we already had someone pencilled in. Dexter Fletcher was perfect. I remain fairly certain had we got off our arses and actually wrote a full episode and then sent it to Fletcher's agent and the agent hadn't rejected it out of hand and given it over to Fletcher to actually read, he would have been behind the project 100%. Sheen was a Detective Bobby Crocker to Manners' Kojak. A thrusting upstart, Sheen would be ever present on the Wood Scene of Crime.
A final third character was included, a Female Beat Officer, WPC Ashley Beech. She was to be played by Heather-Jay Jones, who you will undoubtedly remember as the older sister, Melody Parker, in the TV show The Queen's Nose. Not too pretty to be distracting but not too shabby either. Beech would have been continually ignored by Manners, who saw women's roles as being in the kitchen rather than on the beat.
OK, enough waffling about the background of the show, let's take a look at the scripts and see what brilliance could have made it's way onto our screens. As I said both are unfinished and I was unsure as to were they fit into an episode, you'll have to work that out yourself. let you fucking imagination run away with you.
Table Cop Script Fragment One
Ext: Wooded area in mist, several Police Forensic Officers are working on what is obviously a crime scene. Close up on a body wrapped in a plastic bin bag, the arm is sticking out. It has been bothered by animals. Photographs are taken, samples sampled, etc.
Enter Pledge Manners and Tarquin Sheen. Manners strides ahead, Sheen trying to catch him.
Sheen: No, Pledge, please, for your own sake.
Manners: DI Albridge? Albridge?
Detective Inspector Albridge looks up from the body. He has a Yellow High Visibility Jacket on and PC’s Helmet. He is fortyish, stout, life long cop. There is tension between Manners and Albridge.
Albridge: (quietly) Christ, who let him in? (To Manners) Pledge, ah, how good to see you. Is this business or pleasure?
Manners: Business, always business. Listen Albridge, you’re searching for the wrong clues.
Albridge: Pledge, how can we be looking for the wrong clues at the scene of the crime? (Loudly to all in earshot) Has the Wood Department increased its arrest quota sufficiently to start telling us Forensics how to do our job? (The Forensic officers titter among themselves at Albridge’s put-downs) Do you think you two jokers can solve this murder with wood? (More laughter) (Mockingly) Oh look at me, I’m in the Wood Division, this murder was committed with a… WOODEN STICK! (Uproarious laughter) in a… WOOD! (Laughter, shouts of ‘Oh Yeah!’, ‘you d’Man!’ etc) by Pinocchio!! (Lots of ‘ooh ooh ooh ooh’ like in the Jerry Springer Show) Get out of here you clowns!
Manners: This time I know what I’m talking about Albridge, you are looking in the wrong area. You Forensic boys have your noses so far up a corpse’s arse you can’t see what’s in front of you.
Albridge: (Angrily) I’ll tell you what’s in front of you if you don’t get out of here, the fucking Police Commission Complaints board. Now take Marionette here and fuck off back behind your plastic desk.
Manners: (slowly and quietly) we’ve found paint chippings from the murderer’s car on some of the trees back there. (Indicating into the woods)
Albridge is momentarily shocked, but quickly recovers his composure. He moves in close to Manners.
Albridge: (almost whispered, barely contained rage) Listen, you fir fucker. I’m running this show. What I say goes. There is no paint on those trees, in fact there isn’t even any trees. If we haven’t found it, it doesn’t exist. And if someone goes around flapping his big mouth about things we may or may not have missed then they are going to find themselves in a world of pain. Do I make myself clear, monkey puzzle?
Manners and Albridge have a stare off for a few seconds.
Manners: C’mon Sheen, let’s get back to the office, I think I left the cap off that tin of wood polish.
Manners and Sheen walk off, leaving Albridge fuming.
Table Cop Script Fragment Two
Int: Backstage at the Cock and Balls Public house. A small time rock band, Bloodgoat, are readying themselves for a gig. The band is Ian; Keyboards, Nigel; Vocals, Ray; guitar, Roger; bass and Neville; drums. Ian is sitting in the corner with his hands down his jogging bottoms.
Nigel: For Christ’s sake Ian, give it a rest.
Ian: I’ve told you, me name’s not Ian, use me stage name, it helps me get in character.
Nigel: Alright Axe-lord, but will you stop playing with yourself. We’re meant to be a serious fucking band here.
Ian: That shows how much you know about rock and roll, man. I’m only doing what Iggy does before every show.
Nigel: Iggy doesn’t fucking tug himself off before a gig, you nobhead.
Ian: No but he makes his cock look bigger for the birds, you’d know if you’d ever seen him play live.
Nigel: I would do, but you never told me the fucking Stooges had reformed and were playing did you? You twat.
Ian: Don’t get bitter about it man, that’s history anyway.
Int: Bloodgoat are on stage, finishing the set. Ian is almost bent double over his keyboard his erection making it difficult for him to play. Nigel comes over to him after the last song.
Nigel: You idiot, you ruined the whole show. You’re on thin ice Axe-Lord.
Manners: Bellingham? Ian Bellingham?
Ian: (bent over) yeah, who wants to know?
Manners: (holding up his plastic badge) Pledge Manners, Wood Division. I want to ask you a few questions.
Ian: (still bent over) What about, is this about Shirley? I’ve already been through this with the cops. I thought you lot had finished with me.
Manners: Not us. I still have a few questions about the sawdust found on your trousers. We’ve run some tests…
Ian: (still bent over) I had nothing to do with the murder, I wasn’t even in the fucking country.
Manners: (shouting) Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking!
Ian: (still bent over but shouting) I could sue for Police harassment, you know
Manners: (shouting) you’re still a prime suspect Bellingham! You don’t have a leg to stand on!
Ian: (Stands up to reveal the erection poking obviously in his jogging trousers) This case has nothing to do with you Manners!
Manners: (shouting) We deal with any case involving wood!
The two are faced off close together, the only thing between them is Ian’s erection.
5 comments:
Marvellous script, I liked the idea of casting the legendary and vastly under-rated character actor Michael Sheard as well, I think he would have been well up for it.
I don't see why his death in 2005 should necessarily cock things up that much, they can now do wonderful things with CGI nd he would probably come a lot cheaper nowadays.
Thanks Danny, John and I were gutted when we heard of Sheard's death. Mainly because we'd made up a load of teaser posters with the BBC logo all over them. We figured if we started advertising the series then people would want to see it and the BBC would be forced to make it.
But that was back in 2005 when things like computers didn't exist, nowadays with the internet on our tellys anything is possible.
Fucking genius, this is exactly the type of thing we need on our screens in these straitened times.
I reckon you should forget the BBC and go straight for HBO, they'd jazz it up real nice. You know what I mean.
So this police department were looking to chop out all the dead wood then?
When I get home I'll post you the promo poster I made. The tagline was "This is one cop who goes against the grain". It also had a list of possibly fictitious rave reviews from important figures within the media such as Jonathan Ross.
Don't forget Manners' arch-nemesis, the Whittler. He was the one who was getting all the kids into whittling, and they were getting addicted to the smell of sawdust. Nobody else believed the Whittler was real, but Manners had pledged to track him down and make him face justice because he was somehow involved in the death of his parents. Probably.
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