Bring me the head of Yuri Gagarin

Today is the fiftieth year and one day anniversary of the first man in space. The one, the only Yuri Gagarin, the greatest dead man alive today! What do you mean, you don't know who I'm talking about? Where the fuck have you been for the last fifty years and one day? Have you been hiding under a rock? Yuri Gagarin is the name on everyone lips, his name is plastered on billboards fifty feet high! The news is full of him! Jesus, if you still don't know, then sit back and I'll tell you about one of my heroes, Yuri Gagarin (one of my other heroes is Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon. That's right, second, not first. Second). But this post is not about Aldrin, it's about the ONLY Hero of the Soviet Onion, Yuri Gagarin!

I swear to God, I will fuck you up

Yuri was born into peasant stock in Tunguska in 1908, his arrival was heralded by an explosion equivalent to thirty megatons that blew the entire region back to the stone age. The instant he was born, young Yuri was up and running, in fact he ran ten miles without even thinking about it. And this was even before he could walk. His parents finally caught up with him and fed him on a diet of beetroot and bear wrestling. By the time he was twelve Yuri could fight eight bears with one hand tied behind his back and one eye closed. After a vodka fuelled rampage in 1942 that resulted in the destruction of an entire village the authorities began to take notice. Yuri was drafted into the NKVD and sent to Stalingrad to help the beleaguered Russian forces dug in on the banks of the Volga. He single handedly re-took the hill of Mamayev Kurgin after punching Panzers into the stratosphere and kicking an anti-tank battery into the heart of the sun. Next Yuri was sent out to Kursk to help the Russian tank forces out on the steppe. He was, again, in the thick of the action, pulling the turrets off of Tiger tanks and breaking Panthers in two with his bare hands. By 1945 Yuri was leading the assault on the Reichstag in Berlin. Not only did he build a Fuhrer detecting machine between firefights, which he used to locate Hitler's bunker, he pummelled Hitler into submission and made him sign a ceasefire in HIS OWN BLOOD!

I will dig up your grave and I will wear your skin.

After the war, Russia was embroiled in a space race with the US and A, both countries desperate to get a man to the moon to snap up all the real estate. The US and A sent an entire zoo up into orbit, they sent monkeys, badgers and giraffes in a desperate attempt to win the prize. None of these animals proved any good at being able to navigate spacecraft and either they were killed by flying too close to the sun (the marmosets), exploding on take off (the Jesus lizard) or grew too intelligent due to the radiation and landed on Mars and slowly and surely began to draw their plans against us (the monkeys). The USSR decided against using animals with their lack of opposable thumbs to pilot their spaceships. They turned to the Hero of the Soviet Onion, Yuri. He jumped at the chance to beat the hated Yankee Imperialist Bastards. Bam! Yuri didn't need a rocket to get him up there, he just ran really fast then jumped really high and he was in space! As soon as he arrived in space he started whaling on all the Yankee Oppressor animals that were floating around up there as well. He punched a shark into Venus and smacked a mearcat so hard it caused a black hole that swallowed the entire Spiral Galaxy 28948. Before planting the Hammer and Sickle flag on the moon he took a bite out of it to ensure it was made of cheese. This important scientific data was brought back to Soviet scientists when Yuri's space flight was over.

Stand by for a Yuri style pounding...

After being the only man in space, ever, Yuri had made enough money from the TV rights to his life story that he never needed to work again and spent the rest of his life living in a massive fucking mansion outside of Moscow. He had trucks full of bears shipped in so he had something to fight during his lunchtime. Yuri died in 1968 when a swan he was chewing on got lodged in his throat and choked him to death. The Soviets knocked down the Kremlin to build his tomb which millions of visitors still flock to each year. Yuri, a true Hero of the Soviet Onion! You fleshbags aren't even fit to lick the dog shit off his boots. You think about Yuri's acheivements everytime you weep yourself to sleep.

I've been to space, what the fuck have you ever done? You useless fucking fleshbag!