Cashing in

This has been a busy weekend, on Saturday my parents called over to help me clear the back garden. I haven't touched the thing since I moved in in January and it had become a jungle, especially with all the recent rain and sun combination. There are as of yet undiscovered rain forest tribes crawling out of the dense foliage every so often, so I decided that it was time to trim it all back. My father is a landscape gardener so I knew it would be in good hands. It actually only took a couple of hours to do, but during that time we cut back the dense overgrowth to uncover several Inca cities and a Mayan temple in ruins. I rewarded their hard work by serving burnt meat from the barbecue and we finished the lavish meal with cake.

Wow, you can see the floor...

Whilst I was up to my elbows in shrubbery Craig called and told me he was mading good on his promise to call up as he and Alix missed my birthday BBQ last weekend. Alix's car had developed problems just outside of Nottingham and they had decided not to risk the journey up to York. This weekend, however, the car was working fine and they duly arrived, even before I'd got out of bed. Jesus, it's a Sunday, what time do you people think I get up at? I said rather than mooch around in York we should take advantage of the good weather and head out to the coast. So we did. The rest of York had the same idea it would seem by the traffic jams on the A64. Eventually battling through the traffic we made our way to Boggle Hole and I had a nostalgia trip. I haven't been this way for about seventeen years ever since we used to go on holiday there as kids. Every year for seventeen years we would descend on a tiny cottage on the edge of the wolds, close to Ravenscar and overlooking the sea. It had no running hot water, no inside toilet, very little electricity and it was so dark at night that you could quite clearly see the milky way. As a kid, I hated it, it was so isolated and there was nothing to do, except occasionally go to Scarborough to play on the arcades and lust after that copy of Richtofen's War which was for sale in a model shop that is now an Italian restaurant. Nowadays, I would fucking love it. The misanthropic isolation of the place really appeals to me these days. I'd buy the place, get a load of cats and a rifle and withdraw from society.

Is there anybody out there?

So we headed down to the beach at Boggle Hole and I was surprised by the change in the place. First off they local council had gotten rid of the rope bridge that crossed the chasm you had to pass over before hitting the beach. They'd replaced it with a fucking road. They'd even got rid of all the massive jagged rocks that marked the passage to the coast. The rocks with the skulls and bones of previous visitors scattered on them. At least that is how I remembered it. (that's a joke, but there honestly one time we went there and there was absolutely no one on the beach, completely deserted, apart from a pair of shoes with socks tucked into them resting on a rock. The shoes owner never appeared while we were on the beach. A possible suicide? But then why would you take your shoes off if you were going to top yourself?)

Britain's most beautiful suicide spot...

These days it just seems to be full of fat Geordie chavs with bulldogs and damp picnic sandwiches. At least that's the impression I got from Sunday's visit. We had a quick lunch at the youth hostel whilst discussing the fiscal state of America (We know how to party!). A trip out to the coast is not really complete without a quick look in on Robin Hood's Bay and this was no exception. Since Alix and Craig were now too late to get back to Nottingham for the evening they had planned, I brow beat them into heading up the coast. They were quite easily swayed as I had the car keys and it's a long walk back to York where Alix's car was parked. In the sprawling metropolis that is Robin Hood's Bay I made the two of them sit on the same spot that we used to sit on as a family and have our photo taken, year after year. I don't have any of those pictures to hand, but believe me, little has changed in all that time:

'SIT ON THE FUCKING WALL!!'

As we descended the steps into town Craig told me about Geocaching, the universal game of hide and seek. Apparently there was four Geocaches in the vicinity of RHB and my interest was piqued, so we set about looking for the first. It was located under the steps of the path heading to the cliff tops. We found the location with Craig's mobile phone GPS and Alix and I began scrabbling about under the wooden steps. As we had our heads buried under the boards, a walking couple came past and asked what we were up to. I told them I had dropped my keys. Then we 'fessed up and told them about Geocaching. They wished us luck in our search and it seemed to work as Alix immediately found the box! It was packed with kid's toys, a log book, other Geocacher's visiting cards and such. So Alix threw them all over the cliff and then smashed the box to pieces, so no one else would get a chance to find it.

No one else will ever find this!

On this high, we decided to try and find another one. On the way we stopped off at the Dinosaur 'Museum'. Well, with free entry, how could we refuse? It wasn't a museum. It was a book shop with some fossils on the wall. What a fucking rip off.

LIES!!

The second Geocache was located near the church on the hill. Craig's attempt at the Azimuth Brutale ended with us standing in a children's playground looking shady, so we had to go the sensible and long way by the roads. In the church we had answer a few puzzles to give us the coordinates for the next box. Literally, seconds after fathoming the riddle Craig's phone died and we were bereft of finding the cache. The sense of loss and bitterness was unparalleled. I am unashamed to admit I wept like a Frenchman for a full hour. I was inconsolable at this hubris. That bastard McKibbin had screwed me over for the last time. I got in the car and drove away from them both without looking back. I hope they are both dead.

Still missing, please contact the Police if you see them