My hands are cold....

Below is a typical weeks exchange of text messages between myself and He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named.

Me: 13:42, 27 Jan; If we were in a band you'd be the ugly one at the back

Him: 13:52, 27 Jan; You mean I'd be the drummer? Cool.

Me: 14:28, 27 Jan; You misspelled 'bummer'

Him: 09:25, 28 Jan; We are not so very different, you and I.

Me: 09:29, 28 Jan; We are. Don't kid yourself.

Him: 14:50, 28 Jan; I am going to see the Artist today. it had better be good or I will fucking end you.

Me: 14:50, 29 Jan; What's your address, you twisted little shit

Him: 15:04, 29 Jan; * **** ******, ****** ******. What are you sending me? I hope it's something tasty.

Me: 15:05, 29 Jan; It's a dead rat.

Me: 19:35, 29 Jan; I'm not sending anything. I need to give the police an address.

Him: 19:39, 29 Jan; The police don't need my address, they've been around enough times already. Not cos of anything I did, just because my neighbours are fucking cunts with no sense of humour.

Him: 18:43, 1 Feb; I've been trying to think of what thing about you i hate most. And the answer is, everything.

Me: 19:31, 1 Feb; I hate your top half most. Although your bottom half is a close second.

Him: 09:11, 4 Feb; Racist

Him: 12:02, 4 Feb; Thank you for the postcard. I liked the cat on the front, that was the best bit.

Me: 12:04, 4 Feb; I hope you choke on it.

Him: 10:17, 5 Feb; Why do you love world war one so much? I just read up about it on wikipedia, it sounds awful. Literally thousands of guys were killed.

Me: 10:18, 5 Feb; I didn't know that. Fuck. I didn't know anyone got hurt during it. I hate that shit.

Him: 12:30, 5 Feb; Maybe you should drop out of your MA. You don't want people to think you are condoning that sort of violent behaviour.

Me: 12:31, 5 Feb; Yeah. I'll go to the next lecture and ask about it. I feel I should point it out to everyone else on the course as well. Maybe they don't know either.

Me: 13:34, 6 Feb; What's your favourite bit of the star wars trilogy? My bit is when you started crying because you were scared by Yoda.

Him: 13:36, 6 Feb; I wasn't scared. I just happened to think of something really sad at that moment. It was the holocaust. I thought of the holocaust and it made me sad.

Me: 13:37, 6 Feb; Why did you run out of the cinema screaming 'that little green man is going to get me!' then?

Him: 13:38, 6 Feb; Because I used to think Hitler had green skin. I had him mixed up with the incredible hulk.

Me: 13:39, 6 Feb; My other favourite bit is when you shat yourself at the ewoks.

Him: 16:47, 6 Feb; I saw on the news that Britain's roads have been declared 'treacherous'. If there's one thing I can't stand it's a traitor. So I'm going out tonight to teach the nation's roads a lesson they won't forget.

Me: 16:49, 6 Feb; Don't attack the red bits though. I hear they're a psychopath.

Him: 08:23, 7 Feb; I've got a restraining order on you from a judge. You're not allowed within a hundred miles of me. So you need to move house.

Me: 08:24, 7 Feb; That's not how it works. You got the order in place, you move.

Him: 08:27, 7 Feb; Whatever. You're the one who gets arrested. And anally raped in prison. Which you'd probably enjoy. Because you're a massive bender.

Me: 08:28, 7 Feb; Why are you so bitter?

Him: 08:29, 7 Feb; Because I know you.