Mars Bars

I just went to see John Carter at the cinema. I haven't been to the flicks for a while so I thought I'd take myself off and have a look-see what was going on. As it's a Science-Fiction movie the cinema was empty except for a group of about ten Role Playing Sci-Fi nerds. How could I tell they were Role Players? They all appeared to be single, middle aged and fat. When they sat down the entire seating row groaned under their combined weight (which was to be added to by the copious amounts of popcorn and fizzy drinks they had) and they got with debating the heated issues of the day, mainly does Ewan McGregor play a better Obi Wan Kenobi than Alec Guinness? 

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Anyway, here is my review of John Carter:

Set in a textile factory in Northern China in 1924, John Carter (Duke R. Lee) is a lowly stitcher with a young family of forty three living a hard but happy life. His story is told in dramatic flashbacks cutting between his happy family life and the tragedy that is to befall them. Tibetan Monks invade from the north capturing the factory and destroying the village of the workers. As John is away on a company business, selling patchwork quilts to hapless Japanese tourists, he survives the massacre but returns to see his family home burned down and the charred remains of his family buried in the rubble. Erecting a hastily built tomb of marble blocks, John swears vengeance on his family by going after the evil Dalai Lama (三船 敏郎). Whilst travelling into Tibet he hooks up with a hitchhiking student from Germany, Mittle Braun (Xenia Seeberg). The two soon fall in love, but greater issues are pressing when they are captured post-coital in their tent by the Lama's henchmen. 

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Taken to his Holiness' Great Golden Temple in the Eastern hills of Kathmandu. Carter and Braun are separated, Braun being treated to a life of sumptuous living in the Lama's harem, where she is prepared to marry his Holiness, whilst Carter is thrown into a rat infested well. It doesn't take long for our plucky hero to find a way out of his prison (I won't spoil the surprise for you, but watch out for one death defying moment involving a fez wearing, cigarette smoking chimpanzee!) and he gains access to the Lama's wedding ceremony disguised as a badger. Just as the (un)happy couple are about to exchange vows, Carter throws off his disguise, runs the evil Lama through with a flaming spear and escapes with Braun under his arm. With the Great Golden Temple burning and slowly melting behind them Carter and Braun make their getaway back to Northern China. With his ex-family now long forgotten Carter makes a new life as the boss of the regenerated textile factory and soon becomes President of Earth by rigging the vote. 

2 on 10

The cuts caused by the recession hit Disney's promotional team hard