Got Milk?

As I mentioned in the last post I went along to see War Horse with He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named as he made his way to York from D***** we had the following text conversation:

Him: Dear alex, i should be getting to york about ten past one. Shall i come to yours for lunch, or do you want to meet in town? Lots of love, ****

Me: Dear ****, I'm sorry to tell you I'm in Basingstoke today. So your journey is wasted. I hope you die. Lots of love Alex.

Me: Actually, i didn't check cinema times, did you?

Him: Yes, there's a show at 4pm. So you're not in Basingstoke? Was that some kind of fucking joke? Did you think you were funny, clown boy? Did you?

Me: I don't even know where Basingstoke is. Do you want to come here, but buy some tickets on the way over? We can have lunch here. What do you want?

Him: I'll eat whatever you put in my face, you know that. I'll get tickets on the way over. Basingstoke is in Hampshire.

Me: OK, I might get us a pizza! I don't know where Hampshire is. Or give a fuck for that matter.

Him: Hampshire is somewhere south of sheffield, that's all you need to know. I fucking hate pizza, and if you get pizza i'll throw it in your FUCKING FACE.

Me: Then I'm certainly not interested. What flavour do you want on your pizza. I know you love pizza.

Him: I don't mind. Get avocado ice cream flavour if you can. Or margherita.

Me: Pepperoni? Only gays eat gay flavour pizza.

Him: Yeah that's fine. Thanks petal.

Two hours later

Him: I'm at D***** station, i just bought my ticket to york, now i'm sitting on a bench waiting for my train to arrive.

Me: So?

Him: I just thought you might like to know that everything is going to plan so far.

Me: Fuck you and fuck your plan.

Five minutes later:

Me: In light of that, I'm changing dinner plans. We're having Mexican wraps instead.

Him: You can't fuck with the plans like that, it was all arranged. Now you've fucked everything up. And you probably expect me to pick up the pieces, as usual.

Me: Yeah.

Him: I just got on my train. At least i'm following the plan. Let's see if we can salvage something from this shipwreck of a sunday.

Me: Make sure you get good fucking seats at the cinema or I will set the dogs on you.

Him: Where would you like to sit?

Me: In the middle, you know where.

Fifteen minutes later

Me: And can you get some milk, please, I love you.

Him: For fuck's sake.

Me: I love you.

Him: Fuck off. You're only saying that so i'll get you some milk.

Me: No, I do.

Him: Right i've got the tickets. I'll pick up some milk. anything else i can get you? The golden fleece perhaps? The holy grail?

Me: Actually, I've decided i don't want to go to the cinema after all. I'm gonna stay in and paint some tanks. So don't bother coming over.

Him: Okay. I guess i'll see you around at some point.

Me: Don't count on it. Actually, will you put the milk on my doorstep? ring the bell so i know it's you, but fuck off immediately.

Him: If you let me in i can put the milk in the fridge for you. I wouldn't want you to over exert yourself by going all the way to the front door to pick it up.

Me: But I'd still have to get up to let you in. And I'd see you. No dice.

Him: I've left milk on window sill, i'm going back to d*****

I looked up and there was a pint of milk on the window sill.