Deathcult Armageddon
If you’re interested in stories with happy endings, you’d be better off reading some other blog. In this blog, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and hardly any happy things in the middle. This is because not many happy things happen in the presence of Alex Sotheran, (a.k.a. Herr Sotheran, or “Führer und Reichskanzler”)
The sorry story I am about to impart concerns Herr Sotherans dealings with the once breathtaking student archaeological excavation at Brodsworth. I myself am partly to blame for this, which is the reason why I now write – to warn future students from dealings with this madman, nay, monster. Two years ago it came to pass that myself, a naive young archaeologist with a yearning to please, had the foolishness to introduce Herr Sotheran to Brodsworth's evil ruler Overlord Merrony. After a brief dalliance and several sacrificial offerings, it was decided that Herr Sotheran was to take charge of excavation the following year.
The full impact of this brief liaison between Sotheran and Merrony two years ago is unknown, but it should be noted that one student, one Adam McWhan, was never seen or heard of again. Rumours persist that somehow he escaped their evil clutches, changing his name and fleeing to Holland. These stories however may simply serve as a device for saddened friends and relatives to come to terms with his sudden disappearance.
What really happened to Adam McWhan
What happened the following year was unforeseen by all. The once beautiful grounds of Hickleton Hall had been transformed. Grey and desolate was the landscape, the hulking shell that was the camp kitchen the only building left fully standing. The Hall itself was ruined and aflame, the charred corpses of its former residents littering the ground. As the students stood aghast at the scene before them, Herr Sotheran appeared. “Welcome to your new home, my pretties” he sneered. “Meet my loyal servants, Von Redface, Donkey Kong and Sykes. They will help you...settle in”. The horrified students were sent to set up their tents in silence under the watchful eyes of Herr Sotheran and his servants, any protests being met with beatings unlike any ever seen by the eyes of man.
The grounds of Hickleton Hall after Herr Sotherans “alterations”. You don’t want to know what A, B, and C are...
I realised the full consequences of my imprudent actions over the coming days. At 5am every morning we awoke to the sound of Her Sotheran thrashing the engine of his car (which he had stolen from a passing old deaf man) and playing SS marching tunes at an ungodly volume. If any person was not up and out of their tents withing 5 minutes of this event, Herr Sotheran would run them down, driving his vehicle like a madman. Tents and bones were crushed in the furore, mud, blood and gore splattering Herr Sotheran's face as he laughed at the injustice of it all while Sykes, Donkey Kong and Von Redface looked on in cold indifference.
Artists impression of Hickleton campsite, 5.05am
Students caught committing anything deemed a “crime” were singled out and publicly humiliated. Such crimes included not laughing at Herr Sotheran's childish jokes, not liking Burzum and being a fan of historically inaccurate Hollywood films. One girl, the poor unfortunate Kate Brown, was ritually beaten with wet bamboo in front of the others, before being forced into a half finished test pit and covered with tarpaulin. It was only when she crawled inside that she realised the scale of her punishment – the hole was already filled to the brim with dead clowns. Dead clowns with no trousers. “That’ll teach you for denouncing the Chosen One” laughed Herr Sotheran, his eyes burning with lust for revenge on the girl. “Hvis Lyset Tar Oss is fucking brilliant. You will learn to love it too”.
One of the inhabitants of Kate’s test pit
While I cannot possibly recount the total number of atrocities committed by or in the name of this monster, I feel it necessary to list some of their names and fates. Their friends and families were lied to incessantly about their dearests whereabouts, and I feel it is my responsibility to impart the truth, as gruesome and shocking as it is.
Ben Wheatley – Herr Sotheran's sex slave. Required to refill his arsehole with crushed limestone every morning so Herr Sotheran can “feel natural”.
Kyle Leaper – hypnotised by Overlord Merrony to serve Herr Sotheran. Mind control is exercised through the forced wearing of a leather waistcoat.
Angela Walker – in hiding. One of the few who got away. Discovered that Herr Sotheran had designs on her as the mother of his “master race”, to be conceived though the medium of a pair of beige pyjamas and a teatowel soaked in his seed.
Alex Bratby – drowned in a portaloo.
Sam Stein – still working at Brodsworth, only because her feet were nailed to the floor. Frequently passes in and out of consciousness. Locals, scared of freeing her and incurring the Wrath of Sotheran, now visit and treat her as a prophet of the future.
Chris Nolan-Rennie – bound in chains of adamantium and backfilled into one of the churchyard trenches.
Owen Watts – choked on his own hair.
Caroline Esberger – danced to death in shoes made of heated iron, to the tune of “Dance Yourself Dizzy”.
D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dizzy!
D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dizzy!
Tonight they're turning on the heat
Tonight you're in for such a treat
Tonight, put on your dancin' feet
And dance, dance, dance
D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dizzy!
Tonight they're turning on the heat
Tonight you're in for such a treat
Tonight, put on your dancin' feet
And dance, dance, dance
Mario and Luigi (real names unknown) - painted red and green respectively, beaten, and forced to eat pizza whilst jumping over barrels until death by exhaustion.
RIP
Adam Doore – dissected alive as Herr Sotheran tried to discover the source of his luxuriant beard.
Ryan Wilson – crucified on top of “Pimpin’ Jesus”
Daniel Goldswain, a. k. a. “Sex Machine” – literally turned into a sex machine.
It is here that this sorry tale must end. I know no words of comfort that may aid individuals affected directly or indirectly by these crimes. The Brodsworth Deathcult continues, with no end of Herr Sotheran and Overlord Merrony's tyrannical reign in sight. All I can hope is that this message is received and serves to discourage unfortunate students from signing up willingly to serve this torturous machine. Unless the only other option is going to join the Stonehenge Chain Gang.
