Ninjasaurus Rex is the subject of this latest tirade. He sent me a picture of a toy church he'd bought and included the message:
Him: My new toy. A sixties style happy clappy hippy church. I'm looking forward to burning it down.
Me: LOL, make sure there's a little plastic vicar in there when you do.
Him: I might use those PP nuns...
Me: Rape them first if you do.
Him: I'm too big for them to take.
Me: No, you're not. Don't flatter yourself.
Him: My wang is as big as an entire Peter Pig's nun's body, I'll have you know.
Me: No it's not, I've seen it.
Him: Your eyesight is far better than I thought then.
Me: It's microscopic.
Him: You giggy twat.
No response
Him: You four eyed nerk.
No response
Him: If you were a transvestite superhero, what powers would you have?
Me: Xray vision, invisibility and the ability to walk through walls. the only ones you need.
Him: I *know* that! I want superpowers that a transvestite superhero would want.
Me: A non clashing super hero costume?
Him: Is always being able to find an absolute bargain in the end of season sales a superpower?
Me: It is for Gok Wan.
Him: You know he's secretly straight, don't you? What a genius way to feel up loads of women and get away with it!
Me: I might try being secretly straight then.
Him: You could start by keeping your gay bear hair.
Me: It takes one to know one.
Him: You giggy twat.
No response
Him: The ability to coordinate any person's clothes with a single punch: Pow! Now you have brown shoes with your jeans!
Another one concerned He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named:
Me: Have you ever sat down and gave serious thought as to why it is that i absolutely fucking hate you?
Him: No, i hardly ever think about you.
Me: You do. You think about me all the time. Especially when you are touching yourself. There is a load of good films coming to the city screen this month. They are showing goodfellas on monday, you can crash here if you like?
Him: OK cool, I have booked my ticket, getting train down after work on monday and train back in the morning. This better be worth it or i'll kick you in the pancreas.
Me: I don't know where you are going to stay. I'm not here monday.
Him: Are you sleeping in the cinema?
Me: What cinema? I'm going on holiday on saturday for a week.
Him: Who is this?
Me: Your worst enemy.
Him: I hate you.
Then the next morning:
Him: Great. I walk into d----- for the first time since i got back. How long does it take till i see some student prick wearing a fedora? Two minutes. It isn't even term time yet. Fuck sakes. This is going to be a long year.
Me: Nail it to his fucking head. You need to make a swift and decisive statement to stop anymore of this shit.
And finally, I wrote the lyrics for this song about fourteen years ago, back then Johnny took them and changed bits and pieces so they fitted the music but they are still essentially mine and are just as relevant (to me anyway) today. Enjoy the 'Leaf.
