Drokk it!

I went to see Dredd 3D last night, along with Ali, Sam, Nathan and Cath. Timmy Teacakes was supposed to come too, but he cried off cos he had to do a bit of work for once. Of all of us there was only Nathan and I who had any idea at all what Judge Dredd was even about. I mean, Christ, as we were waiting for the others I had to give Ali a quick run through of 35 years of dispensing justice, muties, the Cursed Earth, the Dark Judges, PJ Maybe, Chopper, the Judda, lawgivers, lawmasters, futsies and Call-Me-Kenneth just to bring him up to speed.

So there I sat, with my mega-mega-family bucket of popcorn, eight bags of Haribo and an ocean of fizzy pop waiting for the movie event of my life. There was that other Judge Dredd film a few years ago, but the less said about that the better. I hope they have collected up all the DVDs of it and buried them in the Mojave Desert. Either that or fired them into the sun.

How was it? I was so fucking disappointed, no Dark Judges, no Walter, no Maria, no Call-Me-Kenneth and Mega City One looked like Leeds. Anyway here is my review:

Dredd (Owen Wilson) is a scientist who has just invented a time travel machine in his garage in Wisconsin. He spends the afternoon with his wife, Trisha (Susan Sarandon) going back to various epochs to see what it was all about. In a dream like montage they visit 12th century Prague, 18th century Vienna, and 20th century Cleethorpes. Retiring to bed, ready to tell the world in the morning of their discovery Dredd accidentally leaves the machine on. During the night a cat jumps on the controls and summons a Tyrannosaurus Rex from a million years BC and a sixty foot robot from a million years AD. Dredd and Trisha are awoken as their house is torn to pieces by the two monsters whaling on each other. Fearing for their lives, they grab the cat and run. In the maelstrom, the machine summons Napoleon's Grande Armée on their way to Moscow. Soon there is 20,000 Frenchmen battling a giant dinosaur and a giant robot in one of cinema's finest moments akin to Citizen Kane. The army is called and soon manage to calm things down and make everyone see sense. The Robot and the Dinosaur get married and the soldiers open a theme park with Napoleonic themed roller-coasters. Dredd smashes the machine with a baseball bat, but not before transporting himself and Trisha back to 20th century Cleethorpes where they live happily ever afterwards.

Score: 15 on 10!

And here is some text messages of He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named:

Him: One more day closer to death. I suppose that's something to look forward to at least. (this was received at 09:05...)

Me: Why don't you do the world a favour and fucking hang yourself? No one would miss you.

Him: Who are you, my therapist? Because that's what he keeps telling me.

Me: No, but he pays me to say this stuff to you.

Him: So you don't really mean it? That makes me feel a bit better.

Me: No, I do mean it, that's why I took the job. It's like getting paid to do your hobby! It's totes good money too, another bonus!

Him: Dick

Me: Woah! I'm just doing my job! Don't have a fucking go at me! You're such a bellend sometimes. I don't have a go at you about that racist drivel you teach your students.

Him: That's not racist. It's true. It's all backed up by hundreds of academic publications going back to the nineteen thirties.

Me: In German?

Him: What difference does that make? Now look who's being racist!

Me: I'm going to report you to the head of your department.

Him: Don't bother, he already hates me. They all do, the shower of cunts.

Me: No wonder with that attitude.

Him: I hope your sandwich today has Ebola in it and you die shitting blood and bleeding out of your eyeballs.

Me: How did you know what I am having for lunch?!

Him: You're just so fucking predictable, like the phases of the moon, or the changing of the season, or an episode of 'My Family'.

Me: You really like kicking a guy when he's down, don't you? Why can't you have more respect for me?

Him: I hope you catch Lyme disease from watching Dredd, and die suffering from painful skin cracking facial palsy.

Me: What is your beef?

Him: What do you think about those princess kate topless photos? I can't fell but feel that this wouldn't have happened if she bore herself with proper regal dignity, instead of WALKING AROUND WITH HER TITS OUT LIKE A COMMON FUCKING TRAMP WHORE.

Me: I hate her for what she's done to the queen. I always said that about her, didn't I?

Him: Well lady di never strutted around with her boobs flapping for all the world to see, that's for sure. She had class. God I miss her so much.

The Nefarious Dr Bucket

When I was on the Isle of Man a couple of months ago, there was a group of rebel students from the University of Liverpool. They had been brainwashed and absorbed into the gang of Dr Bucket, a nefarious sort from North of the Border.

 Dr Bucket and one of his henchmen in action

The last day Dr Bucket's gang were on site was very wet and we couldn't work, so they were tasked with some menial job, like washing finds, or labelling pottery. Basically, something I didn't want to do. It was during this time, when I was engaged elsewhere, that Dr Bucket hatched a plot against me and my boots. I returned to the mess tent to find my boots missing and a hand scrawled note on my tent door. This led me to follow several other clues until I finally found my boots. Below are the clues, please excuse the childish scrawl:

An aside; the wench mentioned in the note was Heather, who had the next clue secreted about her person. She is seated on the extreme right of this picture taken a few hours before the boot scam. She is holding her clue and braying at poor unsuspecting me. 

Each of the locations mentioned were at least two football fields apart from each other as shown by this picture of our site camp and my movements therein:

So, I found the boots and thought little of Dr Bucket's gang until two weeks later when a letter arrived for me:

Fin

Mark of the Beast

It was my birthday last month, six weeks ago. He-who-cannot-be-named sent me a present, six weeks late. I opened it to find this:

With this torn piece of paper:

 and the reverse:

Who needs enemies, eh?