On Monday it was ten years since I graduated from York University with a BA in Archaeology. It feels like literally two minutes have passed since then. I can't believe it was just ten years ago that Graham and I could be found on a Tuesday night, rolling around on the filthy floor of Ziggy's nightclub demonstrating to the world our own brand of Breakdancing. I can hardly believe that almost ten years ago I was getting ready to go to Ireland, in order to get three months digging experience but ending up staying for nearly four years. It is crazy to think that I was heading out into the world that seems very different to me now. Since then, what have I done and where have a I been? I must have dug literally thousands of holes filled with shit from the olden days. Through archaeology in the past decade I have worked in the following countries: Ireland, France, Belgium, Germany,
Iceland, Japan, Singapore and
Tanzania. I've driven across America, from shining coast to shining coast in the company of archaeologists. I have done a mini tour of Iceland dressed as a
Ninja accompanied by an archaeologist. I have appeared in television programs on the BBC,
Channel Five and the Discovery Channel. I have had the honour of locating and being involved in the
identification of the missing from the Great War. I have been involved in creating archaeological sites on the Somme that are used as educational locations. I have even created and taught a University course on Great War archaeology. Yes, if the last ten years is anything to go on, archaeology has been pretty good to me. I think that decision to move out of the flat after the police raid and go to university was probably a good one. I would still be ingesting vast amounts of military grade amphetamines and LSD if I hadn't.
What you could have won...
On Tuesday I went for my
CSCS test. The CSCS is a card that has been introduced for all site workers as a cover all for Health and Safety. It also serves as a license to print money for the companies that run the tests as they charge what they like and it has to be paid for by the companies. I have sat through several such tests and talks both here and in Ireland. I am now an expert on the correct ampage of electrical tools and the correct angle that
scaffolding should be set at. The thing is, as this test is aimed at labourers it is as simple as they come. If they made the test too hard none of the monkeys that inhabit building sites would pass and the building trade in the UK would fall through its own arse. They even sell you a fucking book that has all the answers in it. Typical questions would be:
You find a bottle of unmarked clear chemicals, do you
a) put it somewhere safe and tell your supervisor
b) sniff it
c) drink the bottle, passing it around the cabin at lunch time
d) all of the above
You notice the electric-hammer is damaged, do you:
a) unplug it and check for further damage
b) tell your supervisor
c) tape up the damage and tell your supervisor
d) continue using it to stove in the head of the daytime hooker who just asked you for her money
So it was on Tuesday that I found myself in the testing van clicking the mouse for all I was worth answering such questions. I was finished in under ten minutes, even doing the practise test. I was confident of my own abilities when it comes to health and safety. I'm no monkey.
'This is a computer'
'Woah! Slow down with the science Poindexter!'
I failed.
