Shit on a stick

This blog is pretty much defunct nowadays. I have kinda lost interest, but also don't really have too much time to write stuff for it. That's not to say I may pick it up again at some point in the future, but until I do I will occasionally publish real text message conversations I have with He-Who-Cannto-Be-Named. Like this recent one:

Him: I was wondering if you'd like to be in a home movie I'm going to make. It will be released on the internet. Do you still have your crotchless spider man costume?

Me: What is it about? Will I be the star?

Him: It's a super hero movie, a kind of 'unofficial' adaptation of Alan Moore's Watchmen. Working title is 'Crotchmen'. How do you feel about working with animals?

Me: Sounds great! I like Roger Moore, he's my favourite James Bund. They say never work with children or animals. But I've certainly 'worked' with both before, if you know what I mean?

Him: I think I do know what you mean! That's why I think you'd be perfect for this role. Do you know what your pain threshold is for electricity?

Me: I've not tested it fully. Will this be like method acting?

Him: Yes. Don't worry about it. Just 'be' your character. The more authentic it looks, the better.

Me: Is it going to be guerilla style cinema?

Him: There may be a gorilla involved, yes. Or at least a bonobo or a chimp.

Me: That doesn't sound much like a super hero film. Have you got a script I could have a look at?

Him: It doesn't really have a script. This is proper Ken Loach style movie making. Improvised realism is key. Besides there won't be much dialogue anyway, cos most of the time you'll have something stuffed in your mouth.

Me: OK, well it would be nice to meet some of my fellow actors, you know, to get a feel of how we'll work together.

Him: No need. You're all professionals. Just turn n the day and it will be fine. I'll pay you thirty pounds for eight hours work, take it or leave it. You need to bring some nipple clamps too.

Me: OK, I guess I have been an out of work actor for so long any job is worth taking. Thanks for this opportunity!

Him: Don't mention it. I mean that literally. Don't tell anyone about this.

Me: Ooh, all hush hush? I love secret projects!

Him: Good, cos if you go blabbing about this one I'll break your fucking knees.

Me: Wow, this is exciting, a really big secret!

Him: Shut the fuck up and go and get a full body wax.

Me: I like a director who takes control.

Him: I hope you like a chimp that takes control too.

Then it all went quiet for a bit until I got this:

Him: I keep getting texts from Dominoes Pizza, almost every day. I never reply but they keep texting me. Do you think they fancy me or something?

Me: Text them back, see if they want to go for a drink.

Him: I called Dominoes, they didn't want to go for a drink but they said I could come round for a pizza! I'm so excited! I just need to decide what to wear!