OH, JUST FUCK OFF!!
I'm not keen on traipsing out that hackneyed old cliche that it's getting earlier and earlier each year, but it does seem like that sometimes. I was out shopping for some new shoes last weekend (it's early November). I'd fallen over in the fucking mud on site and covered my trainers in slop, so I needed a new pair and had to venture out the cold stark Orwellian nightmare that is Parkgate Retail world. After being shunted from a dual carriageway into single car lanes along with EIGHT THOUSAND OTHER CARS which only served to exacerbate my two minutes hate I finally found a parking spot after a further four hours of driving around the car park at two miles an hour. After parking up I hurried forthwith to the shoe shop. An aside about this place. I called into Sports Direct, the worst fucking shopping experience a man can have. After squeezing myself through the impossibly tight aisles, rammed with shitty sports equipment and filled with stinking chavs, I fumbled my way to the racks and racks of sports shoes. I knew what I was after; some skater's shoes. No, I don't skate, but I like the shoes as they are big and comfortable. I chose the pair I wanted and looked around for an assistant to help me get them from the back room. There was none. I waited a little while longer, trying to catch the eye of the feckless teenagers milling about that I took for assistants as they were dressed in matching track suits. They all fastidiously ignored me.
He's no athlete
After a while of this carry on I decided to take matters into my own hands and marched over to the nearest track suited teenager I could see (a man can get arrested for this kind of behaviour, don't tell the Daily Mail...) and asked if she could find me a pair in my size. Her answer; 'I don't have a radio, you'll have to ask one of the others over by the shoe stand'. Why did it even matter that she didn't have a radio? I wanted a pair of shoes not to listen to the Light Programme. There was NO ONE at the shoe stand except for other wannabe customers looking desperately for help from an assistant. Someone had fired off a distress signal but was still waiting in vain for help. A couple had starved to death waiting to be assisted.
All I want is some fucking shoes! I have money! Please, won't anyone help me!?
Anyway, cutting a long story short I eventually got the shoes but not before wrestling a track suit bedecked youngster to the floor and demanding they get me some in my size. As I was saying, on the way to Sports Direct I was bombarded with signs saying 'Let's Make this the BEST Christmas ever!' It was plastered all over Matalan's windows and it got me thinking how is a cheap clothes shop going to help make the conjectural birth date of a fictitious Bronze Age necromancer any better than it was last year? What if last year the celebrations of that zombie philanthropist's birthday was held in a massive mansion stuffed full of dolly birds and champagne Jacuzzis? With £50 notes blowing in through the windows? How about if last year, I'd been given the day as World President and been allowed to kill anyone I wanted and get away with it? What if Christ's Mass dinner last year had consisted of vast bowls of curry served on Natalie Portman's naked body? How was that going to be bettered by Matalan's range of last season's cast offs? What utter shit. On the reverse, what if this Christ's Mass my entire family had been wiped out by an Ebola virus caused by an undercooked turkey. How could a sparkly party dress even begin to blot out the over riding sense of grief and loss one would feel? HOW?
OK, so your house has been been bombed back to the Stone Age, your family have been murdered and buried in a mass grave, but cheer up... IT'S CHRISTMAS!
But this is how we are supposed to think: It's CHRISTMAS! GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM! ENJOY YOURSELF! IF YOU DON'T SANTA WILL RAPE YOU! We are being forced into a state of euphoria determined by faceless corporations. YOU WILL ACHIEVE HAPPINESS AND THE WAY TO DO THIS IS BUY, BUY BUY! The more you buy the happier you will be! Stand up against this overriding tide of SHIT, stop celebrating Christ's Mess, end the domination of our lives by retail outlets, burn the churches so no remembers what it was all about, God, I hate you pathetic humans.
Obviously I'll be spending fucking tons again this year.
PS, I got a new phone, it's great except for when you use predictive text and type the letters T and A the first word that comes up is U2. You have literally no idea how fucking angry that makes me.
