By now we have been shopping in Rotherham, seen some of the sights around town and we have even braved a night out and survived relatively unscathed. Now lets take a look at how Rotherham celebrates the people that make this town great, our Heroes, our champions. Those brave souls that dared to swim against the tide of popular opinion and create a wave of influence across the world. To begin with, let us take a step back in History. 'History? History? That's boring!' I hear you say, 'that's just dates and olden days stuff, why would I care about that? It means nowt to me!' Well little one, lets just see how wrong you can be as we look at the Walker Family.
'The fucking Who?' I hear the denizens of Rotherham cry as one. The Walker Family, you ill-educated shitbags, the men whose iron works at Masborough helped finish the Old Vaxhall Bridge and Old Southwark Bridge in London. And if that wasn't exciting enough for you, these lads forged the cannons that sat on the flagship HMS Victory at the Battle of Trafaglar, bitches!
Check this, bitches! How can anyone say history is boring with all this shit going off everywhere!
'Oh yes' I hear you say 'I think I've heard of that. Isn't it the name of a pub or something?' Yes, it's the name of a fucking pub 'cos it's where Britain smashed the combined fleets of France and Spain and secured us as a Naval Power par excellence. All the while Admiral Nelson was shouting out orders he was fighting a FUCKING BEAR and we still won. In the middle of it all the Walker's cannons helped carry the day. With this incredible heritage behind us, how do we at Rotherham celebrate the great memory of the Walkers? We do it by allowing this to happen to their Mausoleum:
Who fucking cares about history? Yes, again, ignorance of our proud town history has allowed the Walker Mausoleum to fall into dereliction. Boarded up and chained off from public view (I had to climb through a padlocked gate and chain-link fence to get this shot) the denizens of Rotherham ignore our past glories. There is a group dedicated to the celebration of this edifice, called the Friends of The Walker Mausoleum, but I fear they are swimming against the tide in this town. I would be willing to bet that most people from Rotherham don't even know where this building is. Here's another picture of the sad state of disrepair the mausoleum is in:
Let it fall down, it's cheaper than repairing it...
Heartbreaking treatment of our town's past forces us to again turn away from these sad sites. I will attempt to lift your spirits, here is another monument, this time dedicated to my Great-Uncle Tommy James:
No, that's not a spelling mistake, it's Russian for Peace, you tool
'Tommy who?' Gah, and you call yourself a student of Communist history? Old TJ was a member of the Sheffield Communist Party, he went on to fight in the Spanish Civil War as a Political Commissar and he later met Picasso at the World Peace Council held in Sheffield in 1950. The Council was aborted by the government as an act of political sabotage! Civil unrest, bitches! Bring it on!
That's TJ on the right and on the left is Picasso. Lap it up motherfuckers!
OK we might be getting back on track with our celebration of our town's heroes, so let's have a look at some more. Famous names from Rotherham include comedian Sandy Powell, actress Lynne Perrie, actor Paul Shane, musician Christopher Wolstenholme from limp wristed indie pop act Muse, footballer David Seaman, Politician William Hague, musical group par excellence Jive Bunny and the Master Mixers and that simpering twat of a man-child presenter James May. All were born or lived within the borough, but not one of them comes even close (Jive Bunny, maybe) to the celebrity powerhouse of Britain's best loved barrier-breaking comedy duo act:
To me, to you!
Yes the FUCKING CHUCKLE BROTHERS! Appearing in a panto somewhere near you ALL THE FUCKING TIME! This poster is up on permanent display in Rotherham market, Paul and Barry's cheeky faces peering out over punters pouring over second hand jewellery and bananas. They grin inanely into the distance as Walker Mausoleum collapses in on itself. This is how Rotherham celebrates it's heroes, if they ain't on telly, they ain't WORTH SHIT! Fuck history when you've got two grown men dressed as dogs passing window panes to each other!
There is still a couple of things to have a look at around this town, we will have a look at some of the things that Rotherham DOES have. It may not be the next piece as I have some more Tim baiting to do before that, but stay tuned, it's coming soon!
