TWTWTW

It's been a bit of a weird week this week, Wincey forced us to work out in the rain leading to me getting a head cold, which is something I never get, we were chased off site by a rampant gypsy horse and an aeroplane finally responded to Logan Josh and me continually waving at them by doing loop the loops and tricks above site (whilst Wincey tried to ruin my fun by talking to me the entire time).

Depressing...

The highlight of the week's vocational activities was that Logan found a rather nice wattle lined Roman well. It's really quite something to see timbers that were last touched nearly 2,000 years ago and despite Wincey's best intentions to stop me enjoying what I do, I really think I've got a pretty cool job sometimes.

About as awesome as archaeology gets...

Amongst the other fun things that happened Berny was crucified for his part in refusing to carry the wheelbarrow plank back up to the cabin at the end of the day:

Pious...

And Barry introduced the world to the bucket boot:

...prick

But I think my week at work can best be summed up by the text messages that I have received over the past week. All of these are genuine messages sent to me by a handful of friends. I'm not going to tell you which ones though.

Jerry lee elvis. First man on the mars

I'm thinking about setting up a family friendly murder mystery weekend. The murder story will be about a six year old who was raped and murdered and left in a suitcase. The families have two days to solve the mystery. I think it will be fun.

I think she sleeps with her brother

He just flipped and started throwing stuff

And another thing, i don't like it when young mothers parade their babies around and sit with them in cafes like normal people. They should keep them at home behind closed doors until they are fit to appear in civilised company without screaming or shitting everywhere.

FUCK CHIPS AND FUCK YOU

Jazz with bagpipes day

Looks like we both got fucked

No, we do all your pictures with blood, piss and crap. 

Thanks for not replying you ignorant bastard. I hope g gets u 2 lick his moist beard and a chinnock drops on your head.

Will you please stop showing my texts where i make rape jokes to all and sundry? I'm never going to get a girlfriend at this rate.

What would you do if you found out there was a photo going round on facebook of you lying naked on the floor of a train station toilet with a bottle of buckfast stuck out of your arse? Just out of interest.

WE COULD STILL BE DRY

Have you ever heard a joke about Barry Manilow and a pair of siamese twins? One apparently exists but I can't track it down.

From the top of the pops on pluto to the hellholes of uranus.

As long as you've got your supervisor on side you're okay. just listen to what they say. They say jump, you jump. They ask you to suck cock, you do it. Don't ask questions, just do it.

Nowt. The flat tyre lead to the pipes falling out every ten yards. He was screaming cunt and growling as he twirld and kicked the pipes around.

I was just in a seminar about the anglo-saxon migrations. I argued it was a good thing that the welsh were exterminated from everywhere except that mountainous shit heap they now call a country. Some of the students say they're going to make a formal complaint. So much for free speech, it's political correctness gone mad. 

Last night I was back in Rotherham Town ostensibly to see Goatleaf, the band Dave had rejoined after their fifteen year hiatus. They've been gigging for a the last couple of months but because I've been hunting man eaters in Eastern Africa and digging up rust in Belgium I missed them every time. But last night was different as I had no pressing engagements. Good God, the last fifteen years disappeared in a flash and it was as though it was '96 all over again. The lads put on a great show and what was more telling was that as soon as Goatleaf had finished their support slot the place cleared out when the headline act came on. It was quite embarrassing and Jonny's missus said to me 'they [the headline act] need dancers down the front' I said 'they need an audience first.'

Goatleaf: you need them more than they need you...

The mid-nineties vibe was also helped by the fact that I knew or recognised about 60% of the audience from my more salubrious days spent in the Tut N'Shive which was Rotherham's premier Rock Bar. It's not hard to hold that title as there was only two Rock Bars in Rotherham at the time. I ended up in SNAFU with Dave and Carl staring at a young lady dressed as Wonder Woman as she flashed her pants to all and sundry. I think she'd been brought along by Jonny's missus to introduce to Dave, but he was having none of it, preferring to get his kicks by sticking money down the pants of strippers rather than talking to a real life girl. Which he did when I left him to go and get a taxi home...