To the Lifeboats!!

To be honest not much of any real interest has occurred since the last posting. Wincey has not been on site all week as he's writing a report at home, this still didn't stop him driving all the way across York in Monday morning rush hour traffic to tell me that we would only need one pump as there was only three of us on site. As though I couldn't count for myself. I've organised sites with up to sixty students on them, I don't think working out what three people have to do for a day is going to be much of a problem... But still he felt the need to take nearly two hours to get to us and then get back home to point out the pointless. Apart from that minor infraction we have had a pretty blissful week of it. So with the lack of humorous tales I will have turn to my text messages again. I received a set of texts from the good Herr Docktor starting at about nine o'clock on Tuesday. I guarantee that every one of these is genuine and are still on my phone. I just hope Interpol are not monitoring my text conversations.

For a joke this morning i'm going to phone every primary school in d***** and tell them there's a bomb somewhere in the building
23 Nov 2010 09:02

At this point I told him not to and mentioned the fact that North Korea were rattling sabers by dopping artillery shells on civilians. This just drew out the racist in him.

That's a coincidence, i was actually going to put on a chinky accent when i phoned the schools, now i can tie it into the korea thing to make it more convincing, i'll say i'm calling from pyonyang
23 Nov 2010 09:35

I did the calls now there are lots of police outside my house, what should i do
23 Nov 2010 12:01

I'm hiding in my bathroom with a box of pork scratchings, they keep shouting they're going to bash in my front door
23 Nov 2010 16:33

I told them i had the whole house rigged to explode, that made them think twice about bashing my door in! Maybe they'll be gone in the morning, i'm going to sleep in the bathtub now, good night
23 Nov 2010 21:24

I've been very clever, sometimes i use a chinky voice, sometimes i use my normal voice so they think there's two people in the house and the chinky is holding the other one hostage. I ran out of pork scratchings though, not sure what i'll eat tomorrow.
23 Nov 2010 22:23

I told him I thought that was a good idea, using two different voices. It would confuse matters. Despite being racist.

Yes i could say the chinky shot himself and i burned the body in the bath and washed it down the plughole which is why nothing is left. Then i'd be the hero.
23 Nov 2010 22:30

There's a helicopter outside and police so i cut off my own finger and pushed it out through the letterbox, not sure why i did that, i think i panicked, it really hurts, there's blood all over my phone
24 Nov 2010 07:56

I'm feeling faint alex, there's all these guys standing around me shouting and pointing lights but i don't know if they're real or not
24 Nov 2010 09:35

Yes i'll fall asleep and they'll probably forget about me
24 Nov 2010 09:47

That was the last message I got from him until he texted me telling me he was going to make it clear to all his students that if they joined the anti-cuts demos he would automatically fail them. This is exactly the kind of shit I have to put up on a daily basis. I am generally up to my eyes in filth and have to reach my hand through about eight layers of clothes to find my phone only to find this kind of shit waiting for me.

Homeless for Christ's Mass

So over a nice meal last night which lulled me in to a sense of false security, Tim and Cath announced that they were going to throw me out just before Christ's Mass. Yes, that's right, deep in the Heart of Winter they are going to turn me out into the streets. Talk about Christ's Mass cheer, talk about the season of goodwill to all men! I will probably have to find a bridge to sleep under and turn tricks for Sailors to get by.

$15, any ting you want...

They claimed it was something to do with inappropriate behaviour with Hüsker the cat. They said I'd been caught looking at his 'thing'. This was never proved, the cat was in my room but I am innocent of all indecency charges. But don't worry, I've been getting my own back all the time I've been here. I've been stealing their clothes and jewelry. I burnt all of Tim's Motorhead t-shirts and pawned all of Cath's necklaces. The fucker's can't throw me out without a fight.

Say goodbye, shitbag!

A GTO from the Stars!

Last night I went to see Monster Magnet and I know this won't amount to a hill of spit to 99% of the people reading this and I don't give a shit, but even better than that we (Kate, Dave, Rhys and I) got to go back stage and meet the King of Mars himself, Dave Wyndorf! You have no idea what this means to me, I've been following Monster Magnet for twenty years and this was the equivalent to discovering life on another planet!

 Lord 13

What did I say to him? Fuck knows, I was drunk, I was gabbling like a drooling tard. I recall asking him why he'd not played Spine of God. Whatever, it gave me a big old grin, right across me face for the rest of the night!

Fuck Your God

I hate Christ's Mass. Sorry, I'll redefine that. I hate the run up to Christ's Mass. You know, that kick off heralded by the closure of Halloween (AKA another fucking reason to spend your hard earned money on shit). As soon as the fucking plastic pumpkins are taken off the shelves they are filled again with plastic Santas and reindeer and MASSIVE FUCKING LIGHTS to bedeck your council hovels with. Michael Myers disappears back into the shadows only to have us confronted by bearded Pedos in red jump suits grasping at your kids. Again, don't get me wrong, I love winter, I love snow, I love the dark nights (I'm not right keen on getting up in the dark, travelling to and going home from work in the dark, oh and the shitty rain we always get at this time of year...), I love the cold as it descends like a black cloud over humanity. I even love the starkness of the trees as the leaves have fallen. Winter is probably my favourite time of year, but it's fucking spoiled by the run up to Christ's Mass.

OH, JUST FUCK OFF!!

I'm not keen on traipsing out that hackneyed old cliche that it's getting earlier and earlier each year, but it does seem like that sometimes. I was out shopping for some new shoes last weekend (it's early November). I'd fallen over in the fucking mud on site and covered my trainers in slop, so I needed a new pair and had to venture out the cold stark Orwellian nightmare that is Parkgate Retail world. After being shunted from a dual carriageway into single car lanes along with EIGHT THOUSAND OTHER CARS which only served to exacerbate my two minutes hate I finally found a parking spot after a further four hours of driving around the car park at two miles an hour. After parking up I hurried forthwith to the shoe shop. An aside about this place. I called into Sports Direct, the worst fucking shopping experience a man can have. After squeezing myself through the impossibly tight aisles, rammed with shitty sports equipment and filled with stinking chavs, I fumbled my way to the racks and racks of sports shoes. I knew what I was after; some skater's shoes. No, I don't skate, but I like the shoes as they are big and comfortable. I chose the pair I wanted and looked around for an assistant to help me get them from the back room. There was none. I waited a little while longer, trying to catch the eye of the feckless teenagers milling about that I took for assistants as they were dressed in matching track suits. They all fastidiously ignored me.

He's no athlete

After a while of this carry on I decided to take matters into my own hands and marched over to the nearest track suited teenager I could see (a man can get arrested for this kind of behaviour, don't tell the Daily Mail...) and asked if she could find me a pair in my size. Her answer; 'I don't have a radio, you'll have to ask one of the others over by the shoe stand'. Why did it even matter that she didn't have a radio? I wanted a pair of shoes not to listen to the Light Programme. There was NO ONE at the shoe stand except for other wannabe customers looking desperately for help from an assistant. Someone had fired off a distress signal but was still waiting in vain for help. A couple had starved to death waiting to be assisted.

All I want is some fucking shoes! I have money! Please, won't anyone help me!?

Anyway, cutting a long story short I eventually got the shoes but not before wrestling a track suit bedecked youngster to the floor and demanding they get me some in my size. As I was saying, on the way to Sports Direct I was bombarded with signs saying 'Let's Make this the BEST Christmas ever!' It was plastered all over Matalan's windows and it got me thinking how is a cheap clothes shop going to help make the conjectural birth date of a fictitious Bronze Age necromancer any better than it was last year? What if last year the celebrations of that zombie philanthropist's birthday was held in a massive mansion stuffed full of dolly birds and champagne Jacuzzis? With £50 notes blowing in through the windows? How about if last year, I'd been given the day as World President and been allowed to kill anyone I wanted and get away with it? What if Christ's Mass dinner last year had consisted of vast bowls of curry served on Natalie Portman's naked body? How was that going to be bettered by Matalan's range of last season's cast offs? What utter shit. On the reverse, what if this Christ's Mass my entire family had been wiped out by an Ebola virus caused by an undercooked turkey. How could a sparkly party dress even begin to blot out the over riding sense of grief and loss one would feel? HOW?

OK, so your house has been been bombed back to the Stone Age, your family have been murdered and buried in a mass grave, but cheer up... IT'S CHRISTMAS!

But this is how we are supposed to think: It's CHRISTMAS! GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM! ENJOY YOURSELF! IF YOU DON'T SANTA WILL RAPE YOU! We are being forced into a state of euphoria determined by faceless corporations. YOU WILL ACHIEVE HAPPINESS AND THE WAY TO DO THIS IS BUY, BUY BUY! The more you buy the happier you will be! Stand up against this overriding tide of SHIT, stop celebrating Christ's Mess, end the domination of our lives by retail outlets, burn the churches so no remembers what it was all about, God, I hate you pathetic humans.

Obviously I'll be spending fucking tons again this year.

PS, I got a new phone, it's great except for when you use predictive text and type the letters T and A the first word that comes up is U2. You have literally no idea how fucking angry that makes me.

Lest We Forget

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.